Replacing high school with the Internet. AKA: A masochist’s lament.
Because getting it out there is what I feel I need to do right now, the following is a list of things on the Internet (beyond the usual trolling, attention seeking etc) that piss me off lately, off the top of my head:
- The way that being somewhat known traditional mediums automatically means you are popular on the Internet.
- When people complain about work related stuff while I make a concerted effort not to bore others with my work crap.
- The constant, circular discourse in a group of different white, able-bodied educated Australian women (and a few men) about what feminism means, which is only ever halted when they unite against a common foe (usually a Fairfax or News Ltd columnist).
- How I don’t know what will make me cool and why I even care.
- People who don’t even bother to think about their own fandom(s).
- Cliques
- How mental illness is some sort of currency.
- How acting like a child non-ironically is tolerated.**
Reading that list back reminds me of why I hated school so much. Those are high school complaints. Have I replaced high school with the Internet?
My memories of my school years are very very patchy. Somewhere along the way my subconscious said “Stef, you just need to let it go and forget it, so that’s what I’m going to do.” And just liked that it wiped and I stopped caring. I mean, apart from a close group of friends and band stuff, I remember very little about school. Last year I went to my 10 year reunion and people would say hello to me and I’d ask who’s partner they were, and they would say “we were in yr 12 maths together.” I had no clue. It was all just gone. I was in a room of strangers.
Every now and then things, like this list, remind me of those feelings of self-righteous anger and disappointment at what was going on around me back then. The feelings I have toward the Internet are strangely familiar. I’ve felt them before. The frustration, the terror, the bitter disappointment at myself and others.
I wonder if one day my subconscious will do the same thing it did to me with school with this Internet life I had, and I just walk away?
** I want to be the first to point out: I have been and will probably be again guilty of most if not every one of those points (let’s face it I’m probably doing it right now). However I’d like to think that I’m conscious of my shortcomings and am able to reflect and try to do better.